Of Little Love Notes

So much has happened in these last few months. Winter turned into spring and spring has now transformed into a full-blown summer. And while I am still reveling in the beauty that spring has bought everywhere, I am also enjoying seeing this bright summer sun. Sunshine in my life, sunshine to chase away the gloom of autumn and winter. Sunshine that seeps in every nook and corner of my home, and makes me glad to be alive.

And just like the harsh sun that lights up every dark corner, I decided to do something for myself in tandem. After eight long, seemingly-endless years, I decided to go back to work part-time. Eight Long Years. Of going through the same drill and life, over and over again. Eight years of familiarity. Of the comfort of being available at a minute’s notice for my children. Eight long years- and I attempted to take these hard baby steps again.

Having severe food allergies, in addition to young children. somehow entwined me in a web that I never thought I could attempt to look out of. A few months back, I could not have even imagined my attempt, yet here I am, now, taking those baby steps further and further each day. From feeling lost, awkward, overwhelmed and stretched to feeling confident, worthy and understanding this different aspect of life and routine- each passing day- I am walking one small step ahead each day.

Of course this has not been easy. I have stayed awake more nights that I can count- worrying about this “selfish” decision. Over and over, I have gone through various scenarios and worst case events for stepping away from these children that I have so closely and minutely guarded for the last few years. But as these steps go further, this decision has started to feel lighter and lighter on the “selfish scale”. Perhaps this is just plain mom’s guilt- something that we read about and experience at different degrees every now and then. Or perhaps it was realization that sometimes when we walk unknown path and trails, we experience more beauty around us that we could have imagined.

And yet, there has been one small detail that has sustained these steps every single day. A small but powerful detail. One that is all that life is about- one that makes it all worth it- little handwritten notes from my son. Every. Single. Day.

I have to admit, I have been an exhausted mom for the most part of last few years. So exhausted that while I have liked several Facebook pages showing all the lovely notes moms put in their kid’s lunch-boxes- I don’t remember doing so ever. Between preparing endless batches of safe food and planning non-stop- I somehow skipped this ritual- more in a way of how practicality often takes over the emotional stuff.

And yet, in his own wisdom, my eight year old could sense how uneasy and conflicted I had been feeling within. And he slipped a small note in my purse the first day I ventured out. They say the smallest things take the most room in your heart- and rightly so. That small shabbily scribbled note with a happy sketch of all of us has bought me more strength that I can ever express. A small but accurate sketch of us standing with a little boy is sprawled horizontally on the floor, just like it really is. One part of me wanted to cry right there but the other part understood the sign in that sketch. Our happiness is yours, and your happiness is ours. Simple.

When we do things for ourselves, and things that make us happy- we transform. That is the life I had known. And that is the space where I wanted to be in deep within. Each passing day-I had brushed this space away in some dark corner as life took unknown turns, and yet I can see that light again. These small fingers that I had been guiding for the last few years, have passed on more strength to me than I could have imagined. Suddenly, it is not me, but them who are leading this parenting.

Each day that I try and settle in my new routine, my first instinct now is to look inside my purse for a note from my boy. And smile. And say a quick prayer to keep these boys safe and happy forever. I am hoping this empty cup that I am attempting to fill with more meaning will spill over and make their lives more meaningful as well- just like they have made mine.