Of Lights Down Low
I am writing this blog sitting outside in the harsh Texas sun. In my backyard. At a time of the year, when it is the beginning of fall in most places, a time when most trees are changing their colors to beautiful scenic hues- here I am in a place and weather that refuses to change. Just like my sullen two year old every morning at 7 am- refusing to move, budge, wake up and change. Nothing is different today morning. And like the eternal human heart and wishes- I do hope for a change. For the harsh sun to have mercy on us. For the loud two year old to wake up willingly, smiling. And yet- somewhere, I do not want to change a thing.
For all of this week, I have been spending a lot of time outside- just sitting in the comfortable backyard chair. With the fan on full-blast- trying to get some respite for the heat. And trying to savor each moment I can.
A few years back- kicking myself out of my usual lethargic self- I took on a small project. To beautify this little space we call ours. To light up our world a bit more. For days- all I could think was planning, safety, concrete foundation, proper earthing and electrical connections- all to install a small series of lighting in our backyard. The picture in the cover of this blog is from my project. And I have been very, very proud of myself for doing this- even though it is such a small thing in the larger scheme of things. Given how limited our time is in the “normal” playgrounds, other people’s homes and other parties- these five strings of lights have brightened our so many special occasions.
Two weeks back, out of the blue, I received a letter in the mail. It was a letter from our HOA to take these lights down. To fold back these five strings of joy back to their own boxes. To remove this extra illumation.
For days- I could not think. All could do was whine in the space of “why us again”. I was only talking about this- about how could these five simple strings so much a part of us, be an eyesore for a community!
A few days later, and away from the haze of sadness- a part of me feels so petty. In a world where there is so much bad stuff happening- I have been crying about these lights!!! But I also know that sometimes- it is OK to feel like this, to be petty. In a world where most things are about how we appear to the outside world, I guess it is OK to take a step back and say that these lights do matter to us, or me.
Sometimes, we are so tired of putting up the good, happy, brave and smiling front that somewhere from depth unknown- a streak of selfishness creeps in.
I am sure, a lot of people I spoke to in the midst of all this would be wondering why so much melodrama about this materialist aesthetic fixture. I was also surprised myself at the magnitude of grief I felt at the prospect of taking these off. I could not make sense of how many tears were shed in the after-effect of the letter received. It felt like I would rip out a piece of my heart in the process of taking these down.
Two days back- while speaking to a friend who was getting concerned at the amount of my reaction- it hit me right where I could see and hear it. These are just not string lights, these are not just a materialist fixture- but something much larger and deeper.
The last few years have been to quite an extent solely dedicated to bringing up our boys. The additional repercussions of a serious food allergy diagnosis increased this effort a hundred fold. I can count on my fingers the no of times I have enjoyed a meal outside of my home without worrying and panicking. In the middle of this and life- I found this little time aside to do something that I had been yearning to do for years. Yes- it took me years to decide this was the time, to find workforce to carry out the project, to look at all details, wind speed, earthing, circuit breakers. In this process- it became completely my project. I am not embarrassed to say this is became MY achievement. For a brief moment for myself, I stepped away from the shadow of all the roles that I have been playing and became me. This moment was something that was away from the day-to-day mundane, from all the stress, all the management. Each time these were turned on- I could feel me heart pat my back and tell me- I did good! Sometimes- it is these little things that define us for ourselves.
In the years that followed- these lights became symbolic with every celebration in our household. Suddenly birthday parties at home became lovelier. The golden glow in the twilight seemed to add something extra every single time. Suddenly the dreaded questions from the older one about not being able to host a party at a popular play area heard at school disappeared. All the fear and stress about the food at a party were on the back burner. Somehow those 5 strings made every celebration magical in our home.
I appealed with every bit I could and lost my case to the HOA. And now the countdown has begun to take these off. Fortunately- I have until Diwali to take these off. This Diwali- the Festival of Lights - these will be turned on yet again, illuminating every corner in the same magical way that we have know over the last few years.
I am beginning to realize that the sense of achievement does not go away. Yes it is still hurting. A lot. Call me petty or selfish or materialistic but right now I would not have it any other way. Yes- the magical times will be missed but such is life. It kicks us to find and learn our new lesson just when we think we are OK. Until then- I will savor looking at them as much as i can. I have loved every second of having them but now its time to say goodbye and find another adventure, another project, another sense of ‘I did it’. And this Diwali- I will have them on full blast to soak in all the magic while it lasts. These will truly be missed.
