Of Second chances
As I write today, I am stuffing myself with potato chips. Straight from a huge Cape Cod bag from Costco. All this in disappointment.
Rewind back to a few hours- after another taxing hour and day at the gym, I stood in high hopes on the weighing scale- hoping to see some downward movement. But the scales sometimes don’t lie. I am now 2 pounds heavier since last week. A good whole kilogram has been added to my petite frame- all in one week!
To be honest, I have also not been super-stringent about my diet. After eating healthy (and less) for a few days, the enlightenment of “we live only once” happens and that’s when everything goes out of control. This has been my state consistently in the past few months.
Sitting alone in a still home, minus the sound of crunching chips, I have been trying to jog my memory. A few years back I had successfully managed to take control of my health (and not just weight) with a steely determination. Starting with long walks near the Marina Bay in Singapore, the effort continued well in the unusually cold Houston days. It took me a good year, but I did reach my goals. And how!
Only three years down, I am back to the same boat- however, this time there is no steely determination. Only tiredness and constant exhaustion. And these potato chips.
This set me thinking to what happened. Of course, the ankle biter #2 happened. Just when our lives were perfect. Just when I had finally started sleeping well. And just when I had reached all my health goals. Our little boy happened.
Sometimes, I long for those quiet days. For those days were the ones- when everything seemed in control. When everything was in a perfect schedule. Yes, there were difficult days but I felt like I could do it all. The constantly clean and quiet home, the perfect healthy non-frozen meals and the better petite shape.
And now- things are so, so different. There are no schedules, just constant running. Non-stop, sometimes directionless. The home is never the way I would like it to be. There is always, always something to pick-up. And even though I try to reach the healthy food mark- some (most) days, I am struggling. I am still up all nights (even at 2.5 years!) and each morning I feel like I am having to drag my heavy self- just trying to make it through the days. Each time there is screaming about a certain toy, I can feel my heart sink and my blood pressure go up from all the stress. There have been days when I have wondered- why did we change it all, why did we trade in all the good things for another child. Some days, I feel like we have been pushed from an edge and are only going downwards.
In the middle of this whirlpool of thoughts, my chain of thoughts was disrupted and I glanced over the recent pictures on my phone. And I saw two smiling faces. I flipped over and I again saw two happy set of teeth. I flipped yet again and saw them holding each other tight.
Yes- the nights are rough with non-stop crying some days, but other days there is lots of laughter. No next moment is predictable in our home any more. Just when I think something will not happen- it happens. Just when I am cherishing the quietness, something is thrown from somewhere. And sometimes waking up 30 minutes late on a weekend due to sheer exhaustion- I can hear the happy voices in the next room. And the heart goes where it should be.
These two happy voices are now together for life. In good and bad. No matter where life would take us next- I know that these boys will have each other. That even after a spell of crazy fighting and tears, it will only be a matter of time when they would be taking care of each other. In the middle of this messy home, and fat myself- I find comfort in the fact that these kids- would never be alone in this world. Even long after we are gone.
In a world with a few billion people, so many of us are still lonely. Thinking through this larger picture, I feel like we are blessed and fortunate to have these little boys. To have these second chances at love and life. Of uncontrolled craziness. And like so many other difficult days, hopefully these sleepless night too shall pass. Hopefully at some point in my life- that steely determination to lose weight will reappear. I recall reading something a few days back somewhere that I am going to say here- remember that feeling of being pushed off the ledge downwards, well, sometimes we just have to take the leap and build our wings on the way down- for who would have known that these experiences could also teach us to fly!
